Woe is Me: How to Summon a Dream Into Existence
part two
Last September, I wrote an article about moving out, gaining complete financial independence, and embracing my freedom to start building a life I never believed I could have. It was titled Woe is Me: What Happens After I Get What I Want? Now one year in, it’s not surprising that I have a new, different set of reflections to comb through.
I. THE CITY
In August, I took a trip with a friend to San Francisco. It was a place I wanted to see and experience before making any overt assumptions about city life in the West Coast. Maybe it was the feeling of traveling across the country for the first time or the tight grip Halleta Alemu’s debut book had on me throughout the trip, but I was compelled to open up more and get all existential. It felt fitting where we were going anyways.
Erin and I walked through Mission St, on our merry way to a dispensary - ready to indulge in all the legal, West Coast offerings we were unaccustomed to having back in the East Coast. The walk was long which gave us ample time to discuss cities.
For Erin, her world was consumed by Portland, Maine - where she was moving to right after our trip. She talked about Portland like it was a lover she knew she was destined to be with and there was always this glint in her eyes paired with an unshakable smile.
Now we were sitting at the dispensary’s empty lounge, a black ceramic ashtray and a paper cup of water in between us. I talked about New York City the way I usually do, with a yearning I’ll realistically never follow on a whim. She listened to me talk about it - the city I’ve never lived in, only visited sporadically.
Sometime on our walk back to the hotel, Erin said, “Prathigna, I think you have higher aspirations in life.” She told me Philadelphia didn’t have to be the last stop - which was refreshing to hear considering I was thinking the same thing. After that day had set, and each day that followed until we’re here - in the now, I continue to think about what those big aspirations of mine were. And how they were so clear and loud to Erin but felt so microscopic to me and lacked a voice in my own head. Regardless, we both knew it had to do with something more than just living in a city.
II. THE DREAM
I think deep down, I was always under the assumption that it was a bad thing - a selfish thing - to dream big. Because that notion meant leaving my current reality behind (which consists of the things and people I hold dear) and taking independent risks. It meant burning any itch of control and certainty I had left. But there’s more, I realized.
For women - especially the uncertain yet bold, vulnerable yet gritty - there's a connected history on why dreaming beyond the limit of what we currently know feels so foreign. In May 2020, I finished a book called The Awakened Woman by Tererai Trent (half memoir, half a ritualistic guide to ground, manifest, and empower one’s dreams). Needless to say, the learnings from this book helped me survive some of the most turbulent months of that year.
Dr. Trent writes, “…Consistent belief in our dreams can feel so challenging because most of us were raised in cultures that taught us to seek external validation over trusting our inner voices. We have to come to accept the voices of doubt within us as the voice of reason or authority. These voices tell us that in order to be loved we must be ‘good’, that we must be perfect before we can even begin pursuing our dreams, that failure is a source of shame rather than simply information or a chance to learn, that speaking up for ourselves and our dreams makes us bossy or bitchy, unladylike, that we must do the ‘right’ and ‘sensible’ thing or risk everything.”
Though currently I have everything I need, there are days where I wake up and I don’t actively think about myself first, the day I get to have, and the day I am promised. Other people’s burdens, familial duties and catastrophic thoughts are three digital files stored in my subconscious that I consistently max out. Like any file that has reached its storage capacity, I’m learning the importance of deleting and organizing thoughts that are loud in irrelevance.
There was once a version of me that secretly relished in the fact that I was holding more space for others than myself - it made me feel so good and moral - better than anyone I knew. It took a long, brutal look in this imaginary mirror of mine to acknowledge that flaw and the friction it may have caused in relationships with others in my life.
No one can ever truly be selfless - those who say so they are lying to themselves. In the end, the goal isn’t to be selfless or selfish, the goal is to simply not be self-righteous. The rest literally does not matter.
So the present version of me, the one that I’m holding the most space for, is telling me to be ruthless in the way I think about my life and where it’s going. Not extraordinary or unorthodox but ruthless in the drive, the intensity and in the act of pursuing anything really.
I think back to my conversation with Erin. To her, my aspirations exist so openly and free. She can see what I can’t. So my dream lives, but I need it to live outside of my subconscious. I need it to burst under pressure like ink hidden in an overactive pen, spill like old paint under a pressurized bottle. Let the dream scatter everywhere in my life so vehemently where eventually, it’s hard not to become it.
III. THE SUMMONING
With whatever remaining knowledge I have from Dr. Trent’s book, I want to share a little ritual because it speaks my language.
Hint: The secret to summoning a dream into existence is believing it with every bone in your body. You must take up space to dream without boundaries, even if it seems surreal or unreal!
Step 1: Declare your dream
For example, I want to be a writer - published and celebrated and quoted.
Step 2: Write it down and repeat to yourself it 3 times
Call it a spell, or maybe a curse that needs to be reversed but do not stop until it sinks into your skin, your veins, and finds a home beyond the anatomy of it all.
Step 3: Become the dream
Become the person you want to be before the dream is even actualized. Visualize that version of you and start behaving the way they would. Please note that confident delusion is not the answer here.
One last thing, believing is just the beginning. For some, it comes naturally - swiftly even. For others, it can be the longest, most difficult process. This article is dedicated to the latter.
My goodness you write so beautifully! Yes to everything! And about having 3 folders in your braind dedicated to family etc😂😂 that's so accurate. Gosh. I don't like that it's so common.
But I have hope with our generation. We have a passion to break these norms and encourage our future kids, cousins, the world in general that they can be who they want to be and that's okay!
Lord. It's insane how a majority of us aren't raised that way. Even though I was partially raised that way, it's more like "you can this person" and it's a problem when you want to go a different direction. I'm deeply moved by this piece.